For any of my real world friends, and even long time readers, y'all will probably know that I struggle with mental health issues. I was diagnosed with Depression back in 2012 or so - an actual diagnosis, and not some quirky thing I say to get more views on TwitTok or whatever. Depression sucks. Big time.
During depressive episodes I typically just want to lie around in bed all day, maybe waste my time just farting around on the internet, or play mind numbing games that are easy to play/cheat at. I don't want to interact with other people, I don't want to leave my house - despite feeling like a prisoner in my home. The times I am able to get out of my house I am very quickly drained and spend the rest of the day in isolation.
I've also noticed that my migraines are much worse during depressive episodes.
Depression is something that I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. And I know I've written about having depression before on my blog. But this is a huge part of my life.
Depression is not just feeling sad. Some days it is just feeling lethargic, or apathetic. Some days it is an overwhelming feeling of dread. Or anxiety. Some days I just can't even muster the energy to get out of bed to take a shower.
And forget going to church - just being around all of those people drains me so quickly.
I wanted to write this post this month as September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month (SPAM - a truly horrible acronym), and very often suicide is an end result of mental health issues. Before any of my friends and readers grow too concerned, I currently have no thoughts of killing myself - though there have been times in my life that I have. Yes, I have talked to both a priest and a psychologist about those times.
There are times when I have migraines so bad that I wish I could cut off my head - not to die, but just to remove my head so I don't feel the pain. Obviously it isn't logical - as removing my head would indeed end my life, but I just want the pain to stop. Maybe if I had a spare head laying around that I could switch out when I do have a migraine. Again, not logical - but I want y'all to understand the pain I am sometimes in. I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself. I just want a different head that isn't experiencing the pain.
Dealing with my chronic back pain is similar. Some days I wish that I could just get a new spine.
Fret not, dear friends, dear readers, I do not want to kill myself. I am not a danger to myself or to others.
I wanted to make this post because I do have friends who are dear to me that also struggle with mental health. I've had friends that have killed themselves, and it has taken a terrible toll on the lives of those who were close to them.
I would never call suicide taking the cowards way out. Often, by the time it comes to a person taking their own life they have already dealt with a huge amount of pain, they have dealt with overwhelming depression, they have dealt with anxiety. And they have just reached the end of their resiliency. It takes a lot of strength to deal with those things, and some people have just used up their strength.
Now, I am not glorifying suicide. I am not saying that these people are heroes. They just did not have the strength to keep going - to keep fighting.
There are various reasons as to why this is. I know in some instances they sought help and were either denied care, or treated like scum. In some cases, the care the received was very insufficient. Looking at you, Murfreesboro VA hospital.
The way we treat those with mental health in our current culture is getting better, but it still has a very long way to go. We don't just send people off to sanitariums any more, but often those who struggle with mental health issues are ostracized. And the mental health hospitals we do have are often subpar and filled with abuse.
It can be so very hard for those of us to find good care without feeling like we are weak for doing so - without feeling like we are weak for not being strong enough to keep our problems to ourselves. It can be so very hard for us to find a therapist who we feel like actually cares about us and sees us a people who are trying to work through our problems.
Once I actually have some more money saved up, I definitely plan on getting back into therapy. And I have free options I can use - I just mainly need funds for gas and such to get to and from sessions.
In the mean time, I am doing things to help combat depression. I'm staying active with exercising every day - especially on days when I don't want to get out of bed. I try to make sure that I get outside for a few minutes to get some Vitamin D. And I'm trying to make sure that I am going to church - Science Daily reported back in 2008 (and I made a blog post in 2014) that burning frankincense might help alleviate anxiety and depression. I've also made plans to try to stay active during the cold months when depression seems to hit me the hardest - my dogs might not like it, but they're going outside with me.
It is a little hard for me to stay active with my chronic pain - I have to be careful not to overdo any activity - but the more active I am, the more I can feel my pain lessening. I just had to find some exercises that I could do and not listen to the Physical Therapist from the VA. And I definitely understand that not everyone can go out and be active.
For those of my friends and readers who do struggle with mental health issues, I implore you to seek help. Know that I stand in solidarity with you. Know that I will not think you are weak for doing so. Know that I will not think any less of you as a person.
If you are having a crisis, please feel free to reach out to me, and I will try to assist you in finding help. Even better, dial 988 on your phone to reach the National Suicide or chat with someone at 988lifeline.org As a side note, I tried to make the 988 number clickable to be able to call from your phone - since I'm still trying to figure out how coding in Patreon works (and I just copied and pasted from Patreon to here), I truly hope that the link works properly.
Please, don't ever feel like you are alone. Our struggles may not be the same, but we have struggled. Reach out, if you need or want to.
Please, pray for me, a sinner.
2 comments:
New subscriber here… I thought I may have seen somewhere you were diagnosed with EDS? I ask because I do as well (assuming you do, if not, sorry!)- and the mental health struggles, the migraines are an exact replica of my daily life. Reading through your blog, I felt as if I could have written most of it myself! I encountered much of the same religious struggles as yourself, and also beginning very young, so it’s been so strange (yet fascinating) to see through someone else’s eyes what I also encountered. Interestingly, three decades of soul searching (and consistent reading, browsing, inner thoughts/dialogue (since no one will talk to me about such boring matters that I find interesting)), I discovered the Orthodox Church myself this last year. I’m doing as much reading and research as I can now, as I plan to become a catechumen (once I have the energy and ability to drive about an hour to the closest Orthodox Church). Thanks for sharing your blog with the world!
Natasha, I have not been diagnosed with EDS, but my sister and nieces have been. It is nice to know that we are not alone in our struggles, and it is also wonderful to find out that there is a place that offers healing and understanding of our struggles. I am glad that you found the Orthodox Church, and I pray that your journey will be exactly what you need. May it be blessed!
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.
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