There was a Time

There was a time when I knew what I wanted to be. There was a time that I thought that I had life all figured out. There was a time when I didn't think that I knew everything, but that I knew enough to survive and thrive. There was a time that I was never wrong. And boy, was I wrong.

When I was a young lad, I can't first remember when, I had wanted to be both a police officer and a soldier. This is what I wanted to do for the longest time, with no deviation from that goal ever throughout my life. Sure, I thought about doing other things, having other occupations, but whenever it came time for Career Day at school and they allowed us to dress up I was always a soldier - with the understanding that I was also a cop.

I'm pretty sure I had already made up my mind before this picture was taken

I eventually went and became an MP in the National Guard. I got to live my dream of being both a cop and a soldier. And I loved it. 

But that was really where my life goals had ended. By the time that I was 19 years of age I had married and accomplished what I had wanted in life. Life was good.

I thought of maybe becoming an officer, I thought of going to college. I wanted to study Criminal Justice, but the college I went to did not have a CJ program. So, I took some core classes and just let it be for the time.

I ended up dropping out of a lot of my courses because I needed to work. I had bills and things piling up and I wasn't getting enough income from the GI Bill or Tuition Assistance. This started a cycle in my life wherein I changed my major and dropped courses (or dropped out completely) just so I could get an income.

You see, I had believed the big lie - that to get ahead in life I needed to get at the very least a 4 year degree. This lie is pushed on kids constantly throughout school, and yet, even during my last Career Day at school where we actually went around and chose careers to see where we might be in a few years, I noticed that those who went to a technical or trade school were making more than those who went to a 4 year college. I raised the question of why this was and was told that starting out the money was better, but after more years the 4 year degree would pay off much better. Well...

So despite seeing a discrepancy, I still thought the 4 year degree was best.

I kind of wish I could see what my life could have been like if I had listened to a few friends who told me to go to a trade school and learn something more useful - at least for the time being. But at the same time, the past is the past, and I am trying to learn to leave things in the past.

There was a time when I was ordained, as I've mentioned previously. I wanted to be ordained for a while - but that was in addition to being a soldier. And I finally pulled the trigger to be able to say a few words for departed Veterans who had no one else.

There was a time when I wanted to start my own church (and thank God for that, because it ultimately lead my to Orthodoxy). I figured that I was ordained, and since college didn't seem to be working out that starting my own church and trying to make it as an independent preacher would probably work out. Except no one ever took me seriously as an ordained minister unless they needed a wedding.

I had the collar and everything!

I did preform one wedding. It was a clandestine wedding, last minute type stuff, with a lot of sneaking around in Opryland Hotel trying to find the perfect spot because the two I was marrying did not have the funds to rent a venue at Opryland.

I had hair!

I dressed very relaxed since there was a need to be secret - although there really wasn't as a security guard caught the whole thing - so I was walking around with my white tab collar in my pocket, and only put it on for the actual wedding. Good times were had. These guys are still married, so yay!

Of course, once I became Orthodox, my ordination was no longer valid.

There was a time when I thought of being a monk, I would have had to convert to Roman Catholicism and moved to Ireland. But there was a time.

There was a time that I thought about being a priest, and also a chaplain in the Army. I already had the collar. But I really did not know enough about the Orthodox Church or the Orthodox Faith to proceed down that route. And honestly, after seeing a lot of what my various priests have to deal with, I'm glad that I never went that route. I'll stay as an altar server for the time being.

I realized that I had no direction in my life. I had no other goals that I wanted because by this time I was a husband and a father. But I really should have had other goals - because I needed some way to provide for my family.

And yet, I was still directionless. No dreams or aspirations.

There was a time when I was studying religion, there was a time when I studied alternative medicine (which I do actually use fairly often as it cuts down on medical costs), there was a time when I was studying IT.

It seemed that every time I went to college there was always some obstacle that came up - usually needing money. In fact, in Alaska when I was studying philosophy, I also worked at a bowling alley. I told them I was in school and what my schedule was, and they said they were more than happy to work around my schedule. And then they weren't. I needed the job so I could help pay for things, and I only had two physical classes - the others were online. But the time the job took up meant I was missing class work, and so I dropped the two online classes - because even when a college tells you "on your own time" they still want you to be present for the online presentations and submit work on their schedule, and my job somehow thought online classes weren't as important as the physical classes. I finished my semester with just another history credit and one philosophy credit. And then I was fired from my job because of my migraines.

I probably could have taken them to court, but what happened to one of the owners was enough for me.

There was a time when I knew what I wanted to do with my life. There was a time where I did not. There was a time where I dealt with a lot of anxiety because the future was so uncertain. There was a time when I was calm because it didn't matter - the future was not promised, so why worry about it?

There was a time when it all seemed to spiral out of control and I would crash and burn in a glorious explosion.

There was a time when I did not understand life the way that I do now. This is not to say that I understand life, but I understand life differently to how I understood it when I was younger.

And here is what I have learned about life: I need to work out my salvation. I need to focus on my own salvation. I do not need to be worried about what this president is doing, or that congressman. I do not need to be worried about what my priest might have said, or my Metropolitan might have done. I need to worry about my own salvation.

For now, I am content to be a struggling blogger, because it helps me focus on self-reflection. For now, I am content to be an altar server, because as an Oblate I am to help serve my parish in some way, and this is what my current abilities are. For now, I am content to do my exercises and to do my prayers. 

Will I ever become a millionaire? Will I ever become rich and famous? Will I ever achieve greatness and have men tell tales about me for centuries beyond my passing? Probably not. And I am OK with that, because none of that helps me along the path to my salvation - or maybe it does, I guess I'll find out.

There was a time, but the time is now.

Please pray for me, a sinner.