Things Just aren't the Same

Things just aren't the same, and they probably never will be.

I have a pretty enjoyable life, currently. Sure, I have bills that need to be paid, debt to be paid off, child support to pay, and a lot of other things that need more money than I am currently making. But, despite that, my life is pretty enjoyable because I am doing what I love.

And yet, things just aren't the same. And they probably never will be.

Since moving to the Santa Fe area I have enjoyed being able to go out on walks and hikes and enjoy nature.

I've hiked up mountains with my brother and our dog. We've walked through the arroyos and the neighborhoods together. We've walked through historic Santa Fe. We've thoroughly enjoyed the culture here.

And yet something is missing.

The big difference between these two photos, aside from one being taken in a southwestern border state, and the other being taken in the northernmost state, is the people in them. It should be fairly obvious what I am talking about here.

In the first picture, I am in a mountainous area with my dog, picture taken by my brother. In the second picture, I am on top of a mountain with who I at the time thought was my oldest daughter, picture taken by my ex-wife.

Both climbs were hard, but rewarding for making the ascent. Both climbs had me gasping for air and muscles screaming. Both climbs were fulfilling.

But, the climb with my dog and my brother just didn't have the same joy attached to it.

Make no mistake, I love my brother and our dog. But I would much rather being doing these things with my daughters (biological or not).

I miss my girls, terribly. I typically talk to at least one of them once per day, and occasionally get to video chat with them. But it isn't the same as having them here with me and being able to directly share my life with them - instead I take screenshots of our video calls, have to ask for pictures from their mom, and send them pictures of things that I have done.

I love going on hikes, despite the pain I often end up being in. It seems very rewarding for me to be able to hike up a tall mountain, but without my daughters to share in the joy and the accomplishment it just isn't the same.

I watch TV shows and movies with my brother, we laugh and have a good time. But it isn't the same as having my house filled with the laughter of my girls.

I sleep alone in my bed, cuddling with a teddy bear. It isn't the same as my youngest girls arguing over who might get to sleep and cuddle with me.

I do my own laundry, but it isn't the same as doing their laundry and folding their tiny clothes.

I make myself and my brother meals, but it isn't the same as making a meal for my girls, even when they complained about what I cooked.

I live in a house with my brother and our dog, but it isn't the same as having my girls here to randomly jump on me and cuddle with me, or tell me they love me as they pass by.

There may not be much in my life, but I miss sharing it with my girls. 

Pray for me.

Things just aren't the same, and this is something that I struggle with on a day by day basis. Dealing with this may get easier, but the sense of loss will always be there. I don't want to get used to not having them around, but I do wish that my struggle would get easier.

This is my cross to bear for the time being. Things just aren't the same, and they probably never will be. Now, I need to figure out how to deal with this change in a positive way.