Even More Wonderings of a Parent

 It has been just over 10 years since I posted the first Wonderings of a parent. And right around 6 years since I posted a follow up. This seems crazy to me, it doesn't seem like I've been poorly blogging for over ten years, and yet here we are.

So what has changed in these ten years that causes me to revisit this topic?

Well, I'm now divorced and my children live with their mother on the other side of the country.

But that is not all.

I also found out that my oldest daughter is not actually my biological daughter. This was always a possibility as my ex-wife cheated on me when she was in the Navy and we almost divorced then. I thought we had worked through our issues, but I'm apparently wrong on that account.

I told my ex that even if the baby she was carrying wasn't mine that I would still raise it as if it was, and I tried to the best of my ability to do so.

The way the information that my oldest daughter was not mine was presented to me absolutely broke my heart. The email I received from my ex-wife came to me as I was working on a roof installing skylight shades. It may seem odd that I decided to check my email then, but my family is important to me, and I will stop whatever I'm doing if they or their mother contact me so I can either talk to them or make sure that they are OK.

The guy I was working with on the roof could tell something was wrong with me, and though we didn't know each other very well, he still knew a little bit of what was going on. I gave him my phone to read the email because I was trying to keep my emotions in check.

Now, knowing that I received this email whilst I was working on a roof, some people might think that I was thinking of jumping off the roof. I was not thinking that - I would have just hurt myself and put my company behind schedule. But my coworker was trying to make sure that I was OK because I became silent as opposed to my normal banter.

Basically, I just got back to work and let myself stew over the email at a later time.

But, it didn't just end with the email. My oldest daughter told me a few days later that she didn't want my name on her birth certificate any more. She and her mother tried to say this was a good thing since it meant less in child support for whenever the divorce went through. Funny that their lawyer said to do it after the divorce and the child support would be amended. Right. I believe the family courts just about as much as I trust our government.

And it didn't just end there. I told my daughter that if she didn't want my name on her birth certificate that I'd be more than happy to get it removed - which shocked her and her mother; I've no idea why as I told my ex previously that I would do that if my daughter asked me to. But a few days later my daughter told me that she really didn't want to speak to me any more and asked that I stop texting her every day. I was texting her every day because she asked me to, because she wanted and needed to know that I still loved her and that she wanted to speak to me. These are things she told me, and I tried to show her that I loved her.

But the kicker is the way she told me to stop texting her, which was basically her telling me to stop with the lovey dovey bullshit which was insulting to her since I clearly never loved her.

That hurt. That hurt a lot.

It left me wondering where I failed as a parent to this girl that I had loved, and thought of as, my own. 

One does not just come to a conclusion on this issue. At least this one didn't. Still haven't.

So now, I'm left wondering about my other two daughters.

My oldest barely speaks to me at all. I haven't had her speak to me since at least Christmas, and that was a mistake due to Google Duo somehow swapping my number with that of her younger sister.

My other two daughters though. I am left wondering if they too feel as if I've never loved them. I am left wondering if they feel loved by me at all. I am also left wondering if they are really even my biological daughters. If it ends up that they are not will they do something like their older sister?

Why do I wonder this? Because it was very clear that their mother was having at least an emotional affair with other men if not an actual physical one. This is not slander or libel - I have proof that she was "sexting" others not her husband.

Her actions have caused me to reconsider the entire time that we got back together, narrowly avoiding divorce the first time. Was our whole marriage just a sham? Did she ever really love me, or did she just use me to get out of podunk and waited until she had a career to dump me?

So I am left wondering. How do I still be the best father to my two other children? How can I be their father figure when they are living with another man and they see him all of the time?

I try to talk to them as much as possible, but it isn't the same.

When I was a child, my worst fear was being left alone - and I don't mean being left alone in the house. No, I mean truly alone with no one to call my own. Now as an adult that fear has resurfaced. Will I be alone in the near future? Will my daughters cease to call me Daddy? Will the family that I quite literally bled for just disappear like the smoke from my cigarettes after a puff?

I have no answers, just questions and am left constantly wondering if I'll still be a parent to the two girls that I love most in life. And don't get me wrong, I still love my oldest daughter. It would bring immense joy to my heart to have her talk to me. But she has made it clear that at least for right now that she doesn't want me as her father - so, since I love her and respect her I do as she wishes.

I am just going to try to be the best father I can be for the other two. I hope its enough. I hope they know that I love them, and I really wish I could be with them again.