More Ramblings of a Depressed Orthodox Soldier

 It has been a long time. I don't think it has been as long as the last time that I didn't post, but still, a fair few months indeed.

So, last I left this blog on hiatus because I was getting ready to move from Alaska back to Tennessee. I lost my job in Alaska, through my own fault. The company that I worked for really did try to help me out as much as possible, but I was just lost in my own depression. At that point I really did not see a way out and was just surviving day to day.

So, I lost my job in December of last year. I was staying in a studio apartment over by the cathedral I was attending. I got on unemployment while looking for a new job. I took a lot of walks because, honestly I was tired of being inside all of the time.

I think the walks helped to clear some of my depression up as I was at least getting out and getting some sun. Alaska is terrible for depression. I love Alaska, but as depression is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life, I can not see myself moving back there - visiting, yes, but definitely not moving back.

Unfortunately for me, my vehicle stopped working. This meant that even if I could get a job interview I could not get to said interview, unless I called upon a friend. And, if I landed a job I had no reliable transportation and I would just be back to being unemployed.

I reached out to an old Army buddy of mine who had offered me a place to stay after my ex and I split. I was considering moving in with my brother and sister in Santa Fe, but my ex let me know that if I moved to Santa Fe that I wouldn't be able to see my girls because of the potential presence of my father. Anyway, I reached out to my old buddy and moved back to Tennessee. 

Once back in Tennessee I started to attend my old parish, Saint Elizabeth the New Martyr in Murfreesboro, but unfortunately the whole thing with COVID and quarantines hit, so I was not able to attend very often. I did meet up with a few of my old friends and hung out a bit, but again, quarantine.

My Army buddy was able to land me a job working at a gun store with him. I enjoyed it, but I really hate retail. So it was a love hate relationship.

On a positive note, one of my other friends took me to get my daith pierced. A daith piercing is on one of the ridges in the ear and is done sometimes to help prevent migraines, and I have to say it seems to have helped. I have not had migraines as bad as I did in Alaska. Of course, the wildfires last summer did not help either.

Anyway, I had to leave Tennessee again, because my buddy and his wife bought a new house, and I could not afford rent by myself in their old house, and I did not have any luck in finding roommates to help alleviate the burden of rent. I was not making enough at the gun store to afford rent on my own, and I had no vehicle with which to get around or to and from work.

 I have a good job now, making more than I was at the gun store. I am regularly attending Liturgy, which is an important part of my spiritual life again. Unfortunately, I was unable - yet again - to attend the monastery's annual Oblate retreat this year due to the quarantine and travel restrictions. One of these days I will make my way up there.

 Not everything is going great, though a large amount of things are. I will always struggle with depression, and make no mistake, it is a daily struggle.

The current national affairs are very taxing on me. It really does seem as though the media tries to politicize everything. Their are riots and cop shootings, towns are being burned to the ground under the guise of "protesting". People are literally going to different towns and states to "protest" and then complain when some seventeen year old kid crosses state lines to help clean up a community and then shoots people in self-defense.

I readily blame the media for the divisions happening in this country. I blame the media for the rampant racism that is evident on both sides.

I'm really tired of all of this.

And during all of this it makes me realize that I have more important things to worry about. Such as my own salvation. It matters not a whit to me if this country that I served survives another for years of the evil, orange man, or the pedophile sniffer, or which ever candidate wins the puppet show that we call an election. Honestly, at this point I just don't care what happens to this country.

"But, you may be killed or imprisoned for 'x' if the candidate that I don't agree with wins!" Meh. Saint Paul was imprisoned multiple times. Saint Peter was crucified upside down. Saint James was tossed from a roof and then beaten to death. Saint John exiled on an island. Saint Stephen was stoned to death. Saint Ignatius fed to the lions. Saint Dymphna chased by her father and killed. Saint John the Forerunner beheaded. Saint Elizabeth thrown down a mine shaft, shot, and then blown up by a grenade. My point is, there are many saints who have come before, and probably even alive today, who will die because of their governments. I'm not saying that I aim to be a martyr, or even that I will be a martyr, but I am saying that there are those who have come before me who have suffered much more than I have and possibly ever will. 

If this country crumbles, then so be it. I have my own salvation to work out - which may seem selfish, but really it isn't. There are people in this world who need my help. There was an explosion in Lebanon and many were hurt and killed. There are Christians in Africa still being persecuted. There are those in America far less fortunate than I am that need help.

Instead of letting my despondency rule my life, I will let it encourage me to help others who are far more despondent. I will work out my salvation by focusing on others and helping where I can and where I am able. It will not be much, but it will be what I can do.

Depression sucks and will be with me for the rest of my life, but that does not mean that I will let it rule my life any longer. I will fight the good fight and not give up, even until the end.