If you are the type of person to message me and ask on occasion if I'm doing OK, don't let me lie to you. I really am not doing OK.
It has been a long time since I've updated this blog, and it has been a long time since I've updated about my personal life. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that no, my life is not OK.
A few months back my wife told me she wanted a divorce and that she wanted me to move out. We were growing further apart, but I chalked that up to her working away from home for weeks long rotations. I was looking forward to spending this past summer with her and our children. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.
So I moved out. I'm not placing the blame squarely on my wife's shoulders, I know that I could have done so much more to keep our relationship healthy. I did not do those things, nor did she, so we face the consequences.
The biggest problem for me, right now, is that I really need to heal from this, and it is going to take it's sweet time.
I haven't been praying much, hell, it took me months before I could even think of putting up my altar at home - and even before I could put pictures of my girls and me up. It has also been a long time since I've been to church.
It's really hard for me to go - the parish we were going to I feel like the priest supported my wife in everything without questioning her motives. Probably not fair, but some of the things he said to me really didn't make me feel comfortable to continue attending his parish. I'm not going to go into those details either, as they are private, and really should not be aired out on such a forum as this.
It's hard for me to go to the parish we attended when we first moved here, on account of things that happened that made my wife want to leave. We still have mutual friends there, and I don't know if I can face them right now. I also don't know what to tell them about why we left that parish for another one.
Fear. Fear keeps me away.
I told my Oblate brothers and sisters some of what was going on, but I checked out of constant communication with them because I just could not deal with everything going on.
I recently started to try to be involved in the Oblate life again, even recently renewing my oblation.
I have prayed a few times at home, and I really hope to start going back to church again before the Nativity.
My biggest struggle though, and what will probably always be my biggest struggle, is my depression. Crippling at times, and also a cause of my anxiety. And no, this isn't the "Oh, I think it's cute to have depression" self diagnosis that I see so many have in this day and age, this is actual depression diagnosed by a psychologist.
My depression affects my home life (like, I know I need to clean and get out and do things, but I just can't seem to find the energy to do so). My depression affects my work life (I honestly love my job, but I find it hard to go when I'm supposed to). My depression affects my personal life to the point that I make plans with friends and then bail because of anxiety, or just general lethargy. Every day is a struggle to do the things that I know that I need to do.
It's terribly frightening to me to confront these things. The terrible thing about depression is that I know its depression, and I know how it affects me and how to fight against it, but that doesn't make it any easier.
It also doesn't help that this is probably one of the worse bouts of depression that I've had - at least in the years since I was diagnosed with depression - and I'm not blaming this on my separation. No, this particular bout with depression started a while ago and probably contributed to the downfall of my marriage.
So why am I writing all of this down? Well, a friend of mine suggested that maybe writing my thoughts down in a blog again might help me with my recovery. Maybe he's right. It certainly won't hurt to try, and it certainly won't hurt to have this out in public so any of my friends and family can see that I am not OK despite what I may say and post on social media.
I am not OK, but with time and healing I will be OK.
It has been a long time since I've updated this blog, and it has been a long time since I've updated about my personal life. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that no, my life is not OK.
A few months back my wife told me she wanted a divorce and that she wanted me to move out. We were growing further apart, but I chalked that up to her working away from home for weeks long rotations. I was looking forward to spending this past summer with her and our children. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.
So I moved out. I'm not placing the blame squarely on my wife's shoulders, I know that I could have done so much more to keep our relationship healthy. I did not do those things, nor did she, so we face the consequences.
The biggest problem for me, right now, is that I really need to heal from this, and it is going to take it's sweet time.
I haven't been praying much, hell, it took me months before I could even think of putting up my altar at home - and even before I could put pictures of my girls and me up. It has also been a long time since I've been to church.
It's really hard for me to go - the parish we were going to I feel like the priest supported my wife in everything without questioning her motives. Probably not fair, but some of the things he said to me really didn't make me feel comfortable to continue attending his parish. I'm not going to go into those details either, as they are private, and really should not be aired out on such a forum as this.
It's hard for me to go to the parish we attended when we first moved here, on account of things that happened that made my wife want to leave. We still have mutual friends there, and I don't know if I can face them right now. I also don't know what to tell them about why we left that parish for another one.
Fear. Fear keeps me away.
I told my Oblate brothers and sisters some of what was going on, but I checked out of constant communication with them because I just could not deal with everything going on.
I recently started to try to be involved in the Oblate life again, even recently renewing my oblation.
I have prayed a few times at home, and I really hope to start going back to church again before the Nativity.
My biggest struggle though, and what will probably always be my biggest struggle, is my depression. Crippling at times, and also a cause of my anxiety. And no, this isn't the "Oh, I think it's cute to have depression" self diagnosis that I see so many have in this day and age, this is actual depression diagnosed by a psychologist.
My depression affects my home life (like, I know I need to clean and get out and do things, but I just can't seem to find the energy to do so). My depression affects my work life (I honestly love my job, but I find it hard to go when I'm supposed to). My depression affects my personal life to the point that I make plans with friends and then bail because of anxiety, or just general lethargy. Every day is a struggle to do the things that I know that I need to do.
It's terribly frightening to me to confront these things. The terrible thing about depression is that I know its depression, and I know how it affects me and how to fight against it, but that doesn't make it any easier.
It also doesn't help that this is probably one of the worse bouts of depression that I've had - at least in the years since I was diagnosed with depression - and I'm not blaming this on my separation. No, this particular bout with depression started a while ago and probably contributed to the downfall of my marriage.
So why am I writing all of this down? Well, a friend of mine suggested that maybe writing my thoughts down in a blog again might help me with my recovery. Maybe he's right. It certainly won't hurt to try, and it certainly won't hurt to have this out in public so any of my friends and family can see that I am not OK despite what I may say and post on social media.
I am not OK, but with time and healing I will be OK.
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