The Problem with Exercising

 For some inexplicable reason, I have always had a hard time maintaining an exercise regime. I don't know why in my earlier years that I had this problem, and I wish that I had worked through it then so it wouldn't affect me so much today.

When I was younger and had just joined the National Guard, I passed the Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT) with no issues. I was 17 years old, and barely every did exercises at that point in my life.

I have very few pictures of me exercising, so here is an image I pulled from the web

 

When I was younger, I played basketball and flag football, as well as some martial arts. I never exercised outside of those practices. Sure, I might go to the playground and shoot some hoops. Maybe play a pickup game here and there. There was a church that I attended on occasion that had a youth football game every week. But I never really exercised all that much outside of those activities.

I of course, did a lot of exercising at Basic Training. But little known fact that I haven't told a lot of people. I actually failed Basic Training. I failed my last APFT, the running portion by a few minutes. Something happened on that run - at some point it felt like someone took a carving knife to my right calf muscle. I tried to push through the pain, but every step was just excruciating. I did finish the run, but not in the allotted time.

But, I was still in high school, so I had to be allowed to go home, where I had endeavored to continue exercising every day so I wouldn't have the same thing happen when I went to AIT. You see, even though I technically failed Basic Training, since all I needed to pass was a passing PT test, then I could just get a passing test and then report for AIT (assuming it was a recent test).

I kept exercising for about a week or two until I decided that sleep was glorious. But I had an issue, in that I was still going to drill once a month, and I would be required to do PT there. I had to be in shape for that.

So about every month or so I would try to get back into exercising only to stop after a few days to a week. I got to the point that I absolutely hated running. It was a chore, it was stupid, it was hot. 

I also got to the point where I could not do sit-ups unassisted. I had obtained a back injury at Basic Training. I thought nothing of it, even when my back was stiff the next day. I just kept on moving, and after that day I thought my back was better.

But, I noticed that any time that I tried to do sit-ups by myself that I would always end up straining my lower back. I've thrown my back out multiple times by trying to do sit-ups by myself, and yes, that includes using bars and other things specifically designed to hold your feet when at the gym.

So I hated running, and I couldn't do sit-ups by myself. 

Then there was the problem with the job I had during my senior year, which was doing inventory for various stores. We had to wait until the stores closed, usually, before we would go in and do the inventory. Some of those stores were large and the team wouldn't leave until midnight or later, meaning we didn't get home until 1 or 2AM, or later. I was suffering from lack of sleep, and would often fall asleep in class.

That made it all the more difficult to workout.

Luckily, I ended up losing that job because I had finals coming up and couldn't work the hours they wanted me to, and they also somehow didn't have the hours to give me to work. So anyway. No love lost.

Also, luckily, the recruiter who replaced the recruiter who recruited me, was able to help me get back into shape and pass the APFT before I went to AIT. 

Advance Individual Training (AIT) was hard, from a PT perspective. Even though I could pass a PT test, I still was not in the shape that I needed to be to be able to maintain myself. And to be fair, there were a lot of us who were not. 

The majority of us were split option, meaning that we had gone to Basic Training between our Junior and Senior years, and were now returning for AIT. We were badly out of shape. Our Drill Sergeants knew this and asked us (an odd thing to happen) if we minded doing PT twice a day to help us get back into shape. They would also give us at least the push-ups and sit-ups portion of the APFT during breaks from classes and other training so we knew where we were and could be better motivated to get to where we needed to be.

It was definitely a struggle for us.

I did graduate AIT and became an MP.

I looked good in that uniform

 

I resolved once again to continuing exercising when I returned home. And despite going right to work with the National Guard almost daily on the Military Funeral Honors detail, I still let my PT slip. Running was still the devil, and I was still injuring myself if I tried to do sit-ups by myself.

Then I got married, and my ex-wife wanted to join the Navy. I remember helping her with her PT, but I also couldn't go full Drill Sergeant when helping her, because it broke her heart to see me be mean. So, I softened my approach to help motivate her better to meet her goals. But, once she got to where she needed to be and shipped off to Boot Camp, I stopped working out again.

This saw a period where I just could not pass a PT test for the life of me. And this also saw a period where I was not promoted at all. I'm sure my career in the National Guard could have gone a lot better if I could have just found the motivation to get out of bed and do any exercising.

Also, during this period between graduating from AIT and before my first deployment, I got back into doing martial arts. At first, it was just going down to the local YMCA and doing what that instructor said was Mei Hua. Then, I started doing Wing Chun after a dear friend from college invited me to that.

I wish I was this good

 

I kept up with Wing Chun for a while, but eventually stopped showing up regularly. I would be able to do the forms and go through class just fine. I would do the exercises just fine. But they weren't really helping me with my PT test. Sure, I would get better at push-ups and sit-ups, but not the run, and not enough to make a difference.

After my ex-wife graduated from Boot Camp, I moved down to Pensacola to be with her during her A-School. I tried exercising again, but I just lacked the motivation.

Then I deployed. We weren't supposed to do organized PT, because it made us a soft target, but as our deployment was winding down, we found ourselves with a lot of down time. So, our Platoon Sergeant soon had us doing PT again, and doing PT tests.

Obligatory deployment picture

 

Unfortunately, I failed my final PT test there due to my grader not paying attention to my running time. He actually hadn't noticed me crossing the finish line about 30 seconds before time, because he spotted another soldier with a similar build to me and thought they were me. That soldier crossed the finish line about 30 seconds passed my allowed time. 

Despite the other soldier telling my grader that I had crossed the line with a bit of time to spare, he stated he had already written down my grade and wouldn't change it.

I felt very disheartened. I had worked hard to pass my PT test, and technically had. But due to a clerical error (my grader was a clerk) I had failed. What was the point? Why even try?

So I got home, I had made no resolutions to keep working out for my military career because I saw no point in it.

I would still on occasion do exercises, or do some Wing Chun forms, but nothing ever stuck.

Eventually, I moved to a new unit that was getting ready to deploy. Knowing that I was going to deploy, I started doing my exercises again. I went to a reclass school to change my MOS from MP to Signal. While there, one of the instructors gave us a PT test. I, and many of my classmates passed. I was actually happy.

Then I got home, and my unit said that a PT test from school did not count. So again, I saw no point in it.

Then, I deployed a second time. We were much more focused on doing PT this time since we were confined to the base. When my part of my unit went from Iraq down to Kuwait to be attached to another unit, we were doing PT all of the time and taking PT tests.

Now, when we were moving from Iraq to Kuwait is when I injured my back again. This time I made sure that I went to the Troop Medical Center to get it notated along with my sprained ankle. I wanted to be sure that I had the documentation that I needed.

Obligatory second deployment picture

 

And this also meant that I was doing PT on a hurt ankle, despite the profile that I had. I injured my ankle again, and my back was never the same. This made doing PT very hard, but I was determined to see it through. Why? Because they were now saying that if you couldn't pass so many APFTs that you could be demoted or even kicked out. I wasn't as keen to be promoted, but I sure as hell didn't want to be demoted, or kicked out. So I worked hard. I did PT every morning, and then went to the gym every evening.

I failed a PT test because a grader didn't know how to count. Seriously. The person holding your feet for sit-ups often keeps a count to help encourage you. The grader was way off, and after two minutes I was exhausted from having to do almost double the amount of sit-ups I needed to do any way. But the grader said I failed by like 10. Yeah, she wasn't even looking at me half the time.

I was told that I would have to sign a counseling form for a failed PT test, and I straight refused. I was told I had to sign it, and I refused. I was ordered to sign it, and I refused. Why? Because I knew that I didn't actually fail, and also you don't have to sign a counseling statement. You most certainly cannot be ordered to sign one.

So, my NCOs decided to retest me a few days later. I passed.

Now came something that made me angry. You see, even though I told myself I didn't care about being promoted, I had been the same rank for a few years, and given some of the courses I had taken, I was number 2 on the promotion list. This made me happy, knowing that all I needed was a passing PT test and I would be promoted when the time came around.

However, due to massive clerical errors (seriously, there were at least twice that our online records were somehow erased, despite them being online and not supposed to be able to be erased - keep copies of all your stuff, and make copies of those), when the new promotion list came out I wasn't even in the top 25.

I was angry. I was injured. I was in constant pain, and for nothing.

I got home, I did not do any exercises. I was in pain. My back was giving me constant problems. I eventually went to the VA and was less than impresses with the Physical Therapist whom I saw only once. I was basically told to do exercises that I couldn't do without hurting myself. The actual doctor told me to just take naproxen and do whatever exercises the PT told me to.

I honestly did try to do the exercises, but I was in even more pain. What I did do, was start going to another local YMCA and I would hit the gym with the ex-wife while our kids were in their play area. We also started doing yoga - yoga that was focused only on stretching and breathing, not the mysticism stuff, and with the blessing of our priest.

I tried taking up archery, because that was supposed to help strengthen my back muscles. I had a lot of fun doing it, and I still enjoy it doing it today. When I can find the motivation to get everything set up. But eventually that became a chore, and I kept losing arrows. Those things are expensive. So back to being sedentary for me

Archery in a kilt, because I'm classy

My pain became so bad that when I would go to our Annual Training (I actually did two one year, because I volunteered for one, and the other was my unit's actual AT), or go to the range that I would have to have some of my buddies help me put my gear (helmet, body armor, rucksack, etc) on and take it all off. 

The yoga really seemed to help a lot with my back issues. Not enough to for me to get a lot of pain relief, but enough for me to function through the day. Unfortunately, that YMCA closed down in favor of another one a few towns over opening up.

But, I did get in shape enough to pass an APFT, and get promoted to E-5 before my permanent profile saying that I no longer had to do PT came in.

The profile was a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because this meant that I no longer had to try to kill myself trying to get to where I needed to be for a PT test. A curse, because I wouldn't get promoted while on profile.

It was shortly after this that I learned that my career in the National Guard would forcibly be brought to an end. I tried to fight it, but I was non-deployable, just taking a slot that someone else could take and deploy in. 

After moving to Alaska, I joined a clinical study on how yoga improves the lives of injured veterans through Yoga for Men. I was doing yoga every day for 90 days. I felt pretty good. I was getting back into shape, because after getting my profile I pretty much stopped exercising. And I was also getting in shape partially due to walking my oldest daughter (or my ex's oldest, however you want to look at it) to and from school every Monday-Friday while also lugging her sisters around in a stroller, uphill both ways through the snow. I really wish I was kidding, but there were two hills on the way, though the last hill going down was steeper and longer, and it became the first hill on the way back up.

My hair is terrible. So glad I got rid of it

 

So walking 4 miles every day, because it was a mile to school (so there and back was 2 miles, doing it twice a day was 4 miles) while pushing a stroller, and doing yoga I started to feel a lot better.

Look at these two cuties, living the chill life. We eventually got a double stroller.

 

But depression sucks, as I often remind whoever I can.

And when I fall into depression I'm just not in the mood to do much of anything.

And then I fell out of the habit of doing the yoga. I was still walking to and from school, but that habit fell away when the oldest started riding her bike to school.

After I separated from the ex-wife, there was more depression. I was getting a lot of exercise through my job at the time, but I could feel it starting to take it's toll on my back. When I lost my job, I started going on almost daily walks.

Then I moved back to Tennessee, and those walks stopped.

Then I moved to Santa Fe and had another physically demanding job, so I downloaded an exercising app and a stretching app. I would use them for about a week or two, then stop. I would do some yoga via videos for about a week or two and then stop. My back got so bad that I would work one or two days and have to take two or more days off to recover.

I tried getting back into archery earlier this year. I really enjoyed it. But depression hit pretty hard, so I just stopped. I couldn't be bothered to set everything up and just go out there and do it. Also, because I hadn't been working out, I was injuring my shoulder. Yeah.

It was a little chilly

Sometimes it isn't even depression. Some times I wake up with a migraine and can hardly get out of bed, and then miss my workout. The next day I decide to sleep in and miss my workout. Or perhaps I torqued my back and am in a lot of pain, so I skip one workout, then two...

What prompted this blog post is that when this is actually published, I will either be starting my 14th day of another exercising routine, or will be starting my 14th day soon. I wish that I had developed a discipline for exercising when I was younger, even when I was in the military. I really wish that I could have stuck with it, because maybe with even the light exercising that I am doing now my back might not be as bad as it is. I could have worked to strengthen my core muscles so my injury wasn't as bad. I could have done this and I could have done that.

But looking back, through my life, and through this blog post, all I see are excuses. All I see is me blaming others and having a pity party.

And, this also ties into my prayer life. 

Vespers isn't funny, but apparently, staging a photo after Vespers is.

 

I am supposed to pray at least Morning and Evening prayers. I added on to that the Rosary. But, then I fall into a depression. Or my back hurts. Or I have a migraine. So I miss one prayer, and then two. And then I'm just not praying at all. And then I'm not going to church. And then I'm just lying in my bed all day, with my back pain getting worse again, and doing things on the internet I aught not be doing. 

I wish that I had had the discipline to force myself to be disciplined to exercise, because if I had that discipline, perhaps my spiritual life would be better. 

I think I look better in a sticharion than I do in dress blues

 

So, here it is. Day 14. Do I keep going after this? Or do I do what I always do and stop because of a myriad of reasons? Do I persevere and keep trying despite my previous failings? Even if I fail this time, I'll keep trying. Or do I just give up once and for all? If there is one thing that the Army taught me, it is how to be resilient. If I fail this time, I will keep trying.

But that is also the issue. If I fail. I might as well be saying that I will fail. I am setting myself up for failure by even entertaining the notion that I will fail.

So, no. No failure this time. I won't become shredded like 1980s Arnold, because that isn't my goal. But I will continue on with my exercises. And I will continue on improving my spiritual life (with input from my priest).

Please pray for me, a sinner.